10 good things - to stop me strugglin'

There's a song that's been out for a while now that featured in one of my gym classes a few weeks ago called Party Rock Anthem, by LMFAO, which includes the lyrics, "Everyday I'm shuffling". For those who don't know it, it's one of those bloody songs that gets stuck in your head and, for me, the "Everyday I'm shuffling" line has latched onto some creepy part of my brain* so I'm constantly hearing "Everyday I'm struggling". Which I am. Struggling, that is. Not shuffling. Although if I attempted to run right now I may well do that. Shuffle, that is.

But... back to the struggle. Which I am SO over. In my diet blog I've written endlessly about my currently lack of motivation, which I possibly do in the hope that I will be sufficiently guilt-ridden to overcome. But alas, it hasn't worked as yet and my tales of woe must be boring those readers to tears. So today I'm STRUGGLING (there's that word again) to find something 'un-maudlin' to blog about. 

I've had some suggestions (and endless encouragement) from my Twitter friends and I thank them (you) all for that. One suggestion was to force myself into being a bit more positive. Peppiness is bloody hard for me (grumpy old woman I sometimes am) but it's something I've tried before and so I'm going to try again.  So... I will endeavour for the rest of this post to use only positives as I come up with ten good things about me and my life. (Deep breath!)

1. Despite my recent behaviour I am still 20+kg less than I was on 21 May 2011 when I commenced the first round of my weight loss program. So... yay!

3. I'm able to do some gym classes I enjoy, like Zumba and a Body Jam / Hip Hop type class, which I wouldn't have tried before.

4. I followed through on my intent to put my place on the market. Sure, it hasn't sold (yet) but I actually did something I said I would and learned a lot from the experience.

5. I'm really enjoying my current job. I haven't been able to say that for a long time. I love the place and the people, who I find to be energetic and passionate. Many people there don't realise it but the place feels young and vibrant and full of potential to me!

6. I'm blessed by many old (and close) friendships. I'm still in touch with a group of girls I went through school with and - though we (and our lives) are quite different - when we catch up it's always comfortable and easy. I also have close friends from my University days and working life since then. My closest friends now have been in my world for over 20 years of my adult life, and know me well (and like me despite that!!!)

7.  I'm even more blessed to have devoted parents. I wouldn't say my brother and I were 'spoilt' growing up, but we were loved and there was NOTHING our parents would not do for us. We didn't get the latest games and expensive clothing (no iPods and Wiis in those days), but they sacrificed a lot for us and ALWAYS put us first. I do not doubt my parents' devotion to our family. Even now.

8. That my father has had over 10 years with us that he may not have had if he had not received a donor heart in December 2000. 

9. The rest of my family: my brother, sister-in-law and niece. Emily is a beautiful and intelligent young woman now. I had the opportunity to almost live with them for six months after she was born (between stints overseas) and she felt almost like my own. We're still in each others' lives fifteen years later and hope we continue to be. (And - frankly - as I won't have children of my own, it may well be Emily visiting me in the aged-care facility and wiping the drool from my chin... Thank god she doesn't read this!) 

10. As I sit here deciding what random factoid to include next I look about me. OMFG! I am VERY lucky. Despite its un-sold-ed-ness (new word I've invented: will advise Websters - the dictionary people, not the biscuit company - obviously!) I have a BEAUTIFUL three bedroom, three level apartment in a fantastic position. I am surrounded by stuff I wanted and I bought (cos I could), like my iMac, my TiVo, hundreds (and hundreds) of books, clothes, housey crap. And so forth. And my walls are adorned with memories thanks to fabulous wall hangings and baskets and thingys I bought while living overseas.  

2.  My exercise has increased a million-fold (I'm sure that IS a tangible number!) since that same time.

So... there you have it. I must confess it was WAY easier to come up with the 10 things than I imagined and I could have kept going - but didn't want to bore you anymore than I was (possibly) already doing. Perhaps I will continue making my list, so when I next think 'poor me' I can slap myself around the head a bit (again!) and wake the fuck up to myself (again!). I sense a theme here....

*Note that I'm not disrespecting myself by calling my brain creepy. My aversion to the brain (and its aesthetics) isn't limited to my own. There's just something creepy (insert shudder here) about it. Perhaps I have some phobia: I can't eat cauliflower or broccoli because they remind me of parts of the brain. (Another shudder!)

Blogging challenge 12WBT style - week 1

Another blogger, Kath from Courage to Start, on my 12 week body transformation (12WBT) program has again issued a weekly challenge for other 12WBT bloggers. I participated in those she offered in my first round, so thought I'd again join in the fun and frivolity. Plus, it means I don't have to think of something to blog about today.

1. Describe yourself in 25 words or less. You can get straight to the point - or bring your creativity into play.I’m a single 43 year old woman, slightly frustrated with her life. And my weight is only part of it. I’m one of those people who assume I can’t be happy, or that things won’t fall into place until I get my weight under control… or until I feel, and look, like a normal person!


2. What brings you to 12wbt? Getting fitter? Losing weight? (Gaining weight??) Are you first timer, a repeat offender??Losing weight. This is my second round and I mostly refer to the program as a weight-loss program, although a few other 12WBTers pick me up on it regularly, given that many on the program are doing the ‘Lean and Strong’ version. But for me – and where I’m at, at the moment – it’s all about losing weight.


3. Why do you blog??
Ha! I can cheat here as I wrote about it yesterday… but in summary I blog because I love writing and am sufficiently self-absorbed to assume my thoughts are of interest to others.


4. Who is your biggest inspiration in life and why (doesn't have to be weight loss)I’m not one to have idols. In fact, there probably isn’t ONE person I would like to be. Naturally I’d like to have the body of many-a Hollywood actress or almost any athlete (other than a shot-putter or female Sumo wrestler. Of course!); the mind of someone far more sane and intellectual than myself; or the money of any mogul. But… I’m inspired by lots of people who overcome everyday hardships and just get on with it without the self-pity and victim mentality which often consumes me. At the moment I’m in my hometown because my father’s in hospital. And, as I watch my mother’s patience and tenderness towards him I am truly touched.
5. What things in life bring you the most joy?I’m seriously tempted to say food and alcohol. But… because I’m now (well, ummm…. becoming) a more evolved and enlightened person I won’t say that. I SHOULD probably say, family and friends and that is true – in part. But the things I love doing the most are: writing, reading and watching television. Hmph, who says I’m superficial?!


6.What do you think your greatest challenge is going to be this round?Remaining as focused as I was in my first round. I wouldn’t have even considered eating chocolate or cake, biscuits, chips etc, BUT am not sure I’m as resolute as I was back then.


7. What are you most excited about 12wbt?The bloody weight loss. Of course!


8. And what scares the pants off you?Failure, a loss of motivation, distraction. Giving up.


9. Tell me - right now - today - how do you feel about exercise in no more than 10 wordsExercise something that HAS to be done, rather than enjoyed.


10. Complete this sentence - in 12 weeks time - on the last day of 12wbt I am going to be feelingA sense of pride at how well I’ve done, over the 12 weeks and in total. And… I will be even closer to my goal.

Credit where it’s due (aka Trumpet-blowing)

This might surprise you as I’m not usually one for blowing my own trumpet (or maybe I am....?!), but today’s post is a smug self-congratulatory one about stuff I’m doing well. It doesn’t happen often and I’m not sure if that’s because I’m not usually doing stuff well, or because of the whole trumpet-blowing phobia, but either way this kind of post is rare for me.


And in fact, this part onwards is a second draft because – despite starting with that upbeat paragraph – the rest of it was full of tales of woe and self-pity. Despite feeling glad that I restarted tracking my food and exercise this week (as promised in my ‘Game on (bitches)’ post) I tempered the rest of the original post by going on to confess that I had popcorn for dinner Monday night (cos I forgot to get the fish out of the freezer). And then Tuesday night I actually ate two pieces of fish (with salsa) instead of one. Then last night I had red wine. There were trade-offs for each of those and Tuesday and Wednesday in particular, I kept below my 1200 calorie limit. I just made some bad choices.


So... what started as a self-congratulatory post quickly descended into my usual ‘Aren’t I bad?’ twaddle.


So (forgive the language), fuck it! Back to the trumpet-blowing. I’m going to ignore the negatives and refocus on my good news stories for the week because I need to get some perspective. Sure I have a long way to go, but I need to remember that just four months ago I was binge-eating caramello koalas, bags of corn chips and hot chips while avoiding people and spending my life on the sofa.


But now... I’m a different person. Well, not entirely cos I’m still me. Obviously. However, not only did I start tracking my food and exercise on Monday as promised; but I also upped the ante on my exercise. Last week you will recall that I ventured into a Zumba class for the first time ever AND I went to a ‘Move and Groove’ class. And this week I went back for more. AND, on top of that I went to a Body Pump class. I know it’s shocking, but Monday, Tuesday AND Wednesday I took a lunch break and attended classes every day. I surprised even myself as I thought I might get to one or two classes a week. Rather, I made a concerted effort to ensure I was free and to not feel guilty for taking a lunch break on those days.


Better still, I enjoyed all three classes. I’m loving Zumba: the music is amazing and instructor fabulous. Move and Groove (aka Body Jam – sort of) is still a bit strange with a Hip Hop-dancing instructor making it up along the way. But... again – great music and some funky moves. And finally, attending my first ‘Pump’ class in about seven years wasn’t as scary as I thought it might be. Of course I paced myself fearing the shock my body might go into after having to suddenly lift ambitious weights (in addition to carrying my excessive weight about).


With busy workdays on the remaining two days of the week I’ve planned to rely on my faithful rented exercise bike at home – previously much-hated and dreaded, although now I get some variety I suspect it will be quite handy.


So there you have it. Whereas four months ago I couldn’t walk without getting shin splints I’m now mixing up my exercise and trying new things. On Saturday I’ve booked into a pilates reformer class and am already considering trying some boxing classes at the gym next week. Just to keep me on my toes. Literally!

Fizzy black goodness

Okay, can I just start by saying, "I WANT SOME BLOODY DIET COKE!"

OMFG. There I was smugly prancing about as if I could easily wean myself off the 1 - 1.5 litres of Vanilla Diet Coke that I have been consuming daily for a large number of years (before that Lemon Diet Coke and before that, just the basic Diet Coke), but I have come crashing down to earth.

Fortunately work is busy and I haven't had time to focus on the constant headache and sleepiness I am feeling without my usual injection of VDC (as its known amongst us addicts!). After giving up the fizzy black goodness on Sunday I posted my intention on Facebook and got a barrage of emails from old work colleagues in response, as my addiction to the stuff is famous. Or infamous.

It started a long time ago. While at University in the late 1980s my parents used to visit me in the residential halls, bringing a red cross parcel. There would be diet coke, chocolates and homemade biscuits. I recall at one stage, a medical student on my floor deciding that the fizzy black goodness was (in fact) evil and set about rationing my supplies. I think we didn't even last the day before I become obsessed with 'my next fix' and she handed over the carton of cans so I could refocus on my study rather than stalking about outside her dorm room.

I'm not sure that giving up VDC now, at a time when I am commencing (yet another) diet is the right move. But I figured that if I'm going to be cranky and feel deprived. I might as well feel really bloody cranky and really deprived.

I'm not saying I will give it up forever or that I won't drink other diet drinks. (Indeed, last night I savoured a diet lemon, lime and bitters while lolling in the bath reading a trashy magazine.) And I may (on occasions) partake in a diet coke or two, but I figured I might as well try to give my litre plus habit a day the big heave-ho.

The time seems right. I feel motivated. Which is strange. Better to rip that bandaid off quickly rather than edge it off slowly I guess. So, as day two (of a healthier me) progresses I can feel quite righteous because - not only did I go to pilates before work (for the first time in 2 months); and am sticking to my calorie allowance; but I am also kicking my unhealthy addiction to the scary preservatives and chemicals that taste so good in the form of a fizzy black drink.

Sorry, this post is completely irrelevant to this blog and actually comes from another that I write. It was posted on Tuesday and I am much-improved since then (as I did think I may well kill someone!). It's now day 5 and I am feeling much much better.  Quite virtuous for a start (no booze or diet coke will do that for you!) In fact, I feel quite human, almost.