10 good things - to stop me strugglin'

There's a song that's been out for a while now that featured in one of my gym classes a few weeks ago called Party Rock Anthem, by LMFAO, which includes the lyrics, "Everyday I'm shuffling". For those who don't know it, it's one of those bloody songs that gets stuck in your head and, for me, the "Everyday I'm shuffling" line has latched onto some creepy part of my brain* so I'm constantly hearing "Everyday I'm struggling". Which I am. Struggling, that is. Not shuffling. Although if I attempted to run right now I may well do that. Shuffle, that is.

But... back to the struggle. Which I am SO over. In my diet blog I've written endlessly about my currently lack of motivation, which I possibly do in the hope that I will be sufficiently guilt-ridden to overcome. But alas, it hasn't worked as yet and my tales of woe must be boring those readers to tears. So today I'm STRUGGLING (there's that word again) to find something 'un-maudlin' to blog about. 

I've had some suggestions (and endless encouragement) from my Twitter friends and I thank them (you) all for that. One suggestion was to force myself into being a bit more positive. Peppiness is bloody hard for me (grumpy old woman I sometimes am) but it's something I've tried before and so I'm going to try again.  So... I will endeavour for the rest of this post to use only positives as I come up with ten good things about me and my life. (Deep breath!)

1. Despite my recent behaviour I am still 20+kg less than I was on 21 May 2011 when I commenced the first round of my weight loss program. So... yay!

3. I'm able to do some gym classes I enjoy, like Zumba and a Body Jam / Hip Hop type class, which I wouldn't have tried before.

4. I followed through on my intent to put my place on the market. Sure, it hasn't sold (yet) but I actually did something I said I would and learned a lot from the experience.

5. I'm really enjoying my current job. I haven't been able to say that for a long time. I love the place and the people, who I find to be energetic and passionate. Many people there don't realise it but the place feels young and vibrant and full of potential to me!

6. I'm blessed by many old (and close) friendships. I'm still in touch with a group of girls I went through school with and - though we (and our lives) are quite different - when we catch up it's always comfortable and easy. I also have close friends from my University days and working life since then. My closest friends now have been in my world for over 20 years of my adult life, and know me well (and like me despite that!!!)

7.  I'm even more blessed to have devoted parents. I wouldn't say my brother and I were 'spoilt' growing up, but we were loved and there was NOTHING our parents would not do for us. We didn't get the latest games and expensive clothing (no iPods and Wiis in those days), but they sacrificed a lot for us and ALWAYS put us first. I do not doubt my parents' devotion to our family. Even now.

8. That my father has had over 10 years with us that he may not have had if he had not received a donor heart in December 2000. 

9. The rest of my family: my brother, sister-in-law and niece. Emily is a beautiful and intelligent young woman now. I had the opportunity to almost live with them for six months after she was born (between stints overseas) and she felt almost like my own. We're still in each others' lives fifteen years later and hope we continue to be. (And - frankly - as I won't have children of my own, it may well be Emily visiting me in the aged-care facility and wiping the drool from my chin... Thank god she doesn't read this!) 

10. As I sit here deciding what random factoid to include next I look about me. OMFG! I am VERY lucky. Despite its un-sold-ed-ness (new word I've invented: will advise Websters - the dictionary people, not the biscuit company - obviously!) I have a BEAUTIFUL three bedroom, three level apartment in a fantastic position. I am surrounded by stuff I wanted and I bought (cos I could), like my iMac, my TiVo, hundreds (and hundreds) of books, clothes, housey crap. And so forth. And my walls are adorned with memories thanks to fabulous wall hangings and baskets and thingys I bought while living overseas.  

2.  My exercise has increased a million-fold (I'm sure that IS a tangible number!) since that same time.

So... there you have it. I must confess it was WAY easier to come up with the 10 things than I imagined and I could have kept going - but didn't want to bore you anymore than I was (possibly) already doing. Perhaps I will continue making my list, so when I next think 'poor me' I can slap myself around the head a bit (again!) and wake the fuck up to myself (again!). I sense a theme here....

*Note that I'm not disrespecting myself by calling my brain creepy. My aversion to the brain (and its aesthetics) isn't limited to my own. There's just something creepy (insert shudder here) about it. Perhaps I have some phobia: I can't eat cauliflower or broccoli because they remind me of parts of the brain. (Another shudder!)

Full of awesome

So... I had most of today's blog post pre-written but events since the return to my own humble abode have caused me to shelve it. It was an upbeat peppy post you see, but now I'm frankly not in the mood. (Insert grumpy face here!). At some ungodly hour this morning (well, okay, it was 6am!) I caught an express train from my childhood hometown to MY current hometown. And, because I am eminently sensible and mature I starved myself until I arrived home so I could get on my scales and compare them to those I was using at my parents'. I WAS thinking the 2.9kg weight loss in my first week (with only 2 days of counting calories) was too good to be true. But instead I agreed with everyone that my mother's scales must ALMOST be right and so took a bit off and counted a 2.4kg loss. Just in case. HOWEVER.... now that I'm home and have been on my scales I'm at least 2kg heavier than I was just a day or two ago, so... well... who the fuck knows?! Anyway, long story short, I'm now grumpy and incapable of posting something upbeat.

Instead I will again write about how aspire to be a peppy and positive person. (Bit of alliteration there in an attempt to cheer me up!) I didn't get much blog-reading done while away but came across a post referred by Boyfriends make you fat's, Julia. In Waking up full of awesome Melissa, a mother, notices how her daughter wakes up each day excited and eager to greet the world. In the post, Melissa includes a picture of her daughter dressed in a way that only 5yr old girls can dress, complete with missing front teeth, pink striped sunglasses and posing for the camera. As you do. Well, not really.... as you 'did'. Once upon a time. 

She reminds us that we also once woke up 'full of awesome'. We were awesome and we knew it. We loved ourselves and our bodies and we thought we were clever and smart. But this was before. Before we let someone take our awesome away by telling us we weren't pretty / smart/ good enough. Melissa wonders why we listened to them. "What if they were full of shit?" she asks.

What if they were? And... we have to take responsibility as well. After all 'we' (read 'me' here) let others make us feel that way. We let them steal our awesome. 

In the picture Melissa's daughter looks like she is ready to take on the world. She's fearless. And happy. Joyful in fact. She reminds us that we are missing out if we aren't waking up full of awesome each and every day.

Melissa wrote the original post in early August, but just recently added a note to say that page of her blog alone, had 412,000 hits. OMFG! I get excited if I get more than 50 or (occasionally) 100 hits in a day.

I've got a few favourite childhood photographs. The ones I like the most are the ones in which I look happy. Fearless. Full of awesome. It was before I thought I wasn't pretty, smart, rich, funny or good enough. These photographs are from the time that I used to climb over our BBQ with a microphone, performing (even though I can't hold a tune). The photos are from the time I hadn't yet started to compare myself to others and found myself wanting.

A couple of nights ago I'd been for a walk and still had my headphones on with music blaring into my ears. I was just opening a bottle of champagne and was feeling on top of the world (no, I hadn't yet indulged in any champagne), but I remember dancing around the kitchen as I tidied things away and moved about. I do that sort of thing every so often. But not often enough. During the 30 days of self-love blogging challenge I undertook a few months ago, I remember saying that I needed to 'find more joy' in life. I wanted to be more joyous - rather than the misery-guts I often am.

Again, only I can do something about this. And... I need to stop just bloody talking about it. AND. DO. SOMETHING. I want to bounce out of bed like a 5yr old excited about the day, week, year and life ahead. I want to be full of awesome. Again!

Rainy days and phone apps

After a data usage blowout on my iPhone a few months ago, I've become incredibly frugal with my internet use while out and about. But, because I don't do anything by halves, I'm now only using about 30% of the 1.5GB/month I'm allowed.

So, naturally as the end of the last month neared, I updated every iPhone Application (App) on my phone, plus surfed about to find any new Apps that I couldn't possibly do without.

As well as a new Calorie King App and a Henry David Thoreau quotes App (don't ask!) I came across a "Sleepmaker Rain" free App. Now, as a chronic insomniac who would never deign to buy CDs of whales or frogs or the like (cos that would be, well... pathetic!), free rainfall-on-call seemed ideal.

And rather than feel disappointed with my freebie (refer back to Thoreau quotes App) I'm stoked that the rain sounds... well, it sounds like real rain. And better still, there are choices. Not only can you choose to listen to gentle, medium or torrential rain, but you can listen to: Gentle rain against windows with wind; or Medium and steady with puddles; or even Medium falling off porch and so forth.

And the different sounds are surprisingly different - although I am yet to hear the thunder in the 'Gentle rain with distant thunder' option.

I used it for the first time last night. And despite my fear that I may suddenly be struck with the constant urge to empty my bladder, I found it surprisingly restful. I'm not actually sure it helped me sleep, however that could possibly have been because I lay there wondering who on earth made the recordings, because frankly they have WAY too much time on their hands!

Blogging challenge 12WBT style - week 1

Another blogger, Kath from Courage to Start, on my 12 week body transformation (12WBT) program has again issued a weekly challenge for other 12WBT bloggers. I participated in those she offered in my first round, so thought I'd again join in the fun and frivolity. Plus, it means I don't have to think of something to blog about today.

1. Describe yourself in 25 words or less. You can get straight to the point - or bring your creativity into play.I’m a single 43 year old woman, slightly frustrated with her life. And my weight is only part of it. I’m one of those people who assume I can’t be happy, or that things won’t fall into place until I get my weight under control… or until I feel, and look, like a normal person!


2. What brings you to 12wbt? Getting fitter? Losing weight? (Gaining weight??) Are you first timer, a repeat offender??Losing weight. This is my second round and I mostly refer to the program as a weight-loss program, although a few other 12WBTers pick me up on it regularly, given that many on the program are doing the ‘Lean and Strong’ version. But for me – and where I’m at, at the moment – it’s all about losing weight.


3. Why do you blog??
Ha! I can cheat here as I wrote about it yesterday… but in summary I blog because I love writing and am sufficiently self-absorbed to assume my thoughts are of interest to others.


4. Who is your biggest inspiration in life and why (doesn't have to be weight loss)I’m not one to have idols. In fact, there probably isn’t ONE person I would like to be. Naturally I’d like to have the body of many-a Hollywood actress or almost any athlete (other than a shot-putter or female Sumo wrestler. Of course!); the mind of someone far more sane and intellectual than myself; or the money of any mogul. But… I’m inspired by lots of people who overcome everyday hardships and just get on with it without the self-pity and victim mentality which often consumes me. At the moment I’m in my hometown because my father’s in hospital. And, as I watch my mother’s patience and tenderness towards him I am truly touched.
5. What things in life bring you the most joy?I’m seriously tempted to say food and alcohol. But… because I’m now (well, ummm…. becoming) a more evolved and enlightened person I won’t say that. I SHOULD probably say, family and friends and that is true – in part. But the things I love doing the most are: writing, reading and watching television. Hmph, who says I’m superficial?!


6.What do you think your greatest challenge is going to be this round?Remaining as focused as I was in my first round. I wouldn’t have even considered eating chocolate or cake, biscuits, chips etc, BUT am not sure I’m as resolute as I was back then.


7. What are you most excited about 12wbt?The bloody weight loss. Of course!


8. And what scares the pants off you?Failure, a loss of motivation, distraction. Giving up.


9. Tell me - right now - today - how do you feel about exercise in no more than 10 wordsExercise something that HAS to be done, rather than enjoyed.


10. Complete this sentence - in 12 weeks time - on the last day of 12wbt I am going to be feelingA sense of pride at how well I’ve done, over the 12 weeks and in total. And… I will be even closer to my goal.

When I grow up; & why I blog

Today I've been scouring the recesses of my mind for something to write about and came up blank. As you do. So, in order to procrastinate (even more than the hour or two I spent on Twitter and TRYING to catch up with some other bloggers' blog posts) I decided to play about on my laptop a bit. As you do.


You may recall I'm in my hometown at the moment because my father's ill and currently in hospital. Yesterday was very scary as he was weak and frail and could barely move himself at all. They've found part of the problem so we hope he will start to get better.

Okay, so their computer isn't THIS old!

Anyway, although my parents have a computer (and prepaid broadband modem which I organised - and am now using) it is quite prehistoric, so when I visit I bring my trusty laptop. And when I say trusty, I mean old. Not as old as their desktop computer, but it's at least 6 years old. And, until I bought my new shiny (well, not shiny - but white) iMac late last year, I survived using ONLY this laptop for at least five years. It was faithful and served me well.


Except... now I never use it. At all. In fact because my place has been on the market, it's been hidden behind cushions for about two months, only to be dragged out for this trip.


Not only did nearly every program on here require updating, but the strangest thing has been the stuff stored on my FAVOURITES tab. And... it got me thinking how much has changed in the last year.


I've also had a 'Why I blog' post started for some time and so finally I get to finish that. (Actually, when I say I've had it started, what I actually mean is that I had the title and NOTHING else. In fact, I can't even recall why or when I decided I want to write about it... but now it's quite timely. Synergistic if you like!)


I've mentioned before my love of writing. For all of my adult life I've enjoyed writing, but until about 5 or 6 years ago, it only took the form of epic (and most definitely hilarious) letters and emails to friends and family.


Finally I decided I felt brave enough to join the State Writers' Centre and enrol in an 'Introduction to Creative Writing' course, assuming it would be appropriate for a beginner such as myself. So there I was, a complete newbie, but - unbeknown to me - in a room with people who were already doing A LOT of writing, despite the introductory nature of the course. It seems there were a lot of aspiring writers wanting to be put on the 'write' (hee hee - sorry, I have to entertain myself sometimes!) track.


The course was conducted over a four week period on a Wednesday night and there I met a couple of women with whom I am friends to this day. It was challenging for me, as I am nervous about people reading what I write (in front of me), so I very rarely contributed my work publicly. But... it gave me a taste and I wanted more.


Over the next year I did a few other courses, though never really found my niche. I did a short story course, a freelance writing course and a course to overcome writer's block. But... still, nothing jumped out at me. Finally a year ago I enrolled in an online Year of the Novel course. I had the makings of a novel in my head - which I'd never done previously. And, the online (lack of confrontation) aspect of the course appealed to me. I still had no serious desire to be a novelist (other than aspiring to a lifestyle of a drunken millionaire hermit living on the beach and writing all night and sleeping all day) but I liked the idea of focussing my writing on SOMETHING.


I didn't mind the course, though the instructor went AWOL in the latter part and we participants pretty much lost our momentum. So, my Young Adult novel (crappy as it is) sits incomplete.


Despite this I wanted to do MORE. So earlier this year I enrolled in a Blogging and Social Networking Course for Writers, which the Centre ran. AND. I. LOVED. IT. Love love loved it!


At the same time I was just starting to follow a number of bloggers whose work I adore. Many are the mummy-blogger type (which has less relevance to me), but because they are just hilarious I love their work. I watched via Twitter as they attended conferences and received sponsorships etcetera. And... I wanted to be there. I wanted that life.


So I'm almost embarrassed to admit (for fear of people knowing my aspirations) that I realised WHAT I wanted to do; or what I wanted to be. Not a novelist. Not a writer of short stories. But a blogger.


I have a more-public blog which is attached to my Facebook page and more-public Twitter account, but sadly I don't post in there much because I edit and edit my posts to death and then leave them as drafts as I fear they aren't good enough or of any interest to potential readers.  Whereas in this blog... I type straight into the program and my writing and words are akin to a brain fart. They just flow. (Mostly.) And it is a HUGE release for me. I can be myself. I don't have to stress about the words being perfect; or even about being judged for what I say. Here, in this blog, I lay myself bare.  Which gives me pause for thought... Which blog reflects the real me?


So, back to my original point: today, as I cleaned out my Explorer Favourites tab, I found so many writing-related websites - full of resources, as well as publishers and editors who blog. And whereas once upon a time I checked out those sites almost daily, I realised I had no real interest in them now.


Instead I follow the bloggers I really like for entertainment value; as well as those writing about health-related issues - of particular interest to me as I continue on my own weight loss journey.


So.. there you have it. That's my dream. My desire. My aspiration. When I grow up I want to be a blogger.